Saturday, February 19, 2011

little things.

Sometimes the littlest things make the biggest difference.

I have three older siblings. I have different relationships with all of them, and all of these relationships are quite dynamic. Times change. People change.

When I was a child, I shared a bedroom with one of my sisters. We were best friends. While we attended public school, she made other friends and I felt replaced. When we were in high school, sometimes she was too cool for me. Sometimes she wasn't. We went to McDonald's most days after school to get Cheese Burger Arteries.

Cheese Burger Arteries: We would order 2 two-cheeseburger meals. Sister would take off the bottom buns and give them to me. She would then stack the cheeseburgers between the top buns. I ate the buns, and she ate the burgers, and we both ate the fries. We called them 'cheeseburgerarteries' because we could practically feel our arteries clogging as we ate.

Sister and I even went to the same College, living in the same apartment for one semester. Then life happened. Times change, people change. We drifted apart. We were 'sisters' but not best friends. And then we were barely sisters. There was a lot of miscommunication, and some horrible things were said. After a long time of awkwardness and a big blow out fight, we finally reconciled.


Sometimes the littlest things make the biggest difference.

My Sister is very special to me. We both try very hard to make our relationship work. She does a lot of really special things for me, and I appreciate them. Last time I came home for a visit, she surprised me with a new kind of Gluten Free cereal. This time I came home to a pocket sized book "a little book of hugs for sisters."

I do special things for her too. I try to text her or call her at least once each day. Sometimes that gets hard when I am busy with school and she is busy with her children. Today I nominated her for a makeover contest when she mentioned how fun it would be to win. Life is too short to hold grudges and be an idiot. Do something special for a loved one today.

posts about Brother and my other Sister to come....

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

lingering.

'...mhmm I want to linger, mmhmm a little longer, mhmm a little longer here with you...'
We used to sing that song at Camp. I didn't know what lingering was then, but I do now.

Sometimes bad smells or tastes linger. Tastes like that garlicky pasta the other day. It seemed to be stuck to my tongue forever.
Sometimes bad thoughts linger. I get upset and I get angry. I waste my time thinking and re-thinking situations. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.
Sometimes bad feelings linger. I get hurt. I get sad. Loved ones pass away and that sense of emptiness lingers on for years. That hallow feeling lingers and dissipates but is never truly gone.
I get caught up in these feelings, as if my mind is on ‘replay,’ cycling through anger, hate, hurting, sadness. It is so easy to get stuck. So easy to linger in this darkness, to hold myself down, to dig a little deeper. I push away from reality. I let go of commitments. I isolate from the world. I linger in nothingness. I hate lingering.

Sometimes good smells or tastes linger. Smells like my mother’s kitchen. Tastes like a sweet kiss from someone special that lasts on your lips until bed time.  
Sometimes good thoughts linger. I get excited and energetic. I find it easy to get thrilled about the littlest things, and that is fine by me. I anticipate awesomeness. I love it I love it I love it I love it!
Sometimes good feelings linger. I smile. I feel warmth in your embrace. I feel special. I float above the world and I am soaring. I coast along this feeling and ride the wave of emotion. You said goodnight and now you’re gone, but you linger here with me. It could be days before we see each other again, but that kiss, that embrace – it lingers. I love lingering.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

what if.

I take it back, take it all back
what a waste of time.
You took my hand and filled my heart
with your disease.

Everything in life is an experience. Some things are good, and some things are bad. We learn from everything that we do. I know this, and I know I've grown, but I can't help wondering if my time has been wasted.

So many times I have invested myself into people, into ideas, into anything and felt short-changed. If not for my experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today. I can't help wondering who I would be.

What if he didn't break my heart?
          What if I was strong enough to leave?
                    What if I put my needs first?
                              What if everything worked itself out?

It's this what-if thinking that clouds my brain, the what-if thinking that opens my eyes and screams at me "STOP" as I jump in.

What if this was exactly what I needed and all of my dreams came true?
I am jumping, a leap of faith, and I am falling.

Monday, February 14, 2011

contemplation.

Sometimes I have what I don't need.
Sometimes I need what I don't have.
[the more I read those statements over, the more I am reminded of this song]

I feel like life might be one big mind game. A game where everyone loses and no one wins. This seems a little bitter, but I'm certain it is real. Every moral victory I've had has come at a price. Is it really 'winning' if someone somewhere is hurting?

My heart gets thrown in the mix like any other. With my head pulled one way and my body another, the contemplation begins.


Weighing consequences is somewhat of a sport for me:
            Do I fight for right now or plan for the future?
            Do I follow my head or my heart?

Right now I wish to seek happiness. In the long run I hope to avoid pain. My head tells me it has heard this all before. My heart claims it will be different this time. I am sceptical. I am holding my breath. I close my eyes. I am jumping, a leap of faith, and I am falling.