Monday, January 9, 2012

hope.

One day I carved hope into my leg. Until recently, I never really experienced hope in terms of the optimistic emotional state. Self-mutilation was my idea of at least having some hope.

I felt like I had no one. 

I started hurting myself when I was in grade eight. My first “suicide attempt” wasn’t actually an attempt to die; it was an attempt to get affection and attention. My anxiety and depression started around the same time. I felt worthless. I felt like I was alone. I received a clinical diagnosis of depression and anxiety when I was in grade twelve, at which point my self-mutilation and suicide attempts became more frequent. I started having psychogenic seizures as a symptom of my pent up depression and anxiety. Although I sought help from a psychiatrist and a psychologist, I felt like I was moving through this emotional time alone.

In retrospect, my family was supportive of me. I was blind to this until years later.

One day I carved hope into my leg. I am haunted by my choice to self-mutilate.

I have made a number of changes in my life. I have grown as an individual. I have self-esteem. I have self-worth. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I am now able to cope. I am much stronger now than I ever was before. In fact, a number of friends have started to rely on me for emotional support. It feels foreign to me; I grew accustomed to being the person seeking support, not the one being supportive.

I’m proud of myself for who I have become.

One day I carved hope into my leg. I have scars that I hide under my clothes because I’m ashamed of how I used to “cope” with my feelings.
 
I feel sorry for myself, sorry that my self-esteem ever got that low, but at the same time I feel glad. I’m glad I had those experiences because they have given me more insight into life than I ever could have read in a textbook. I feel like I can sympathize with my friends from a common understanding of what it feels like to hurt, what it feels like to be sad, and what it feels like to be anxious.

One day I carved hope into my leg.

I hadn’t experienced hope in terms of the optimistic emotional state until now. I have scars on my body, but these experiences have carved hope into my heart. Even when I am feeling down, I still have hope – not just the word lingering on my skin, but that optimistic emotional state I once longed for.

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