emotion.

“you’re sad? here's a cookie.”

“not feeling well? have some juice.”

“I’m so proud of you! Let’s celebrate with ice cream!”

As a child, I was practically conditioned to depend on food; not for nourishment, but for extra emotional support. This doesn’t sound too bad, I mean, who doesn’t want another slice of You-Got-An-A+ cake??

Fast-forward to right now. I’m stressed – have a cookie! I’m sad – have some ice cream! I’m bored – have nachos! I recently lost a bunch of weight. I kept it off for a while, and then exams hit.

I’m stressed – have a cookie!

            I’m stressed – have some ice cream!

                        I’m stressed – another cookie?

                                    I’m stressed – ice cream!

                                                I’m really stressed – ice cream AND cookies!!!!!

Thanks to the food-rewards that were given to me as a child, I am now an emotional eater.

NOTE: I AM NOT BLAMING MY PARENTS FOR THIS IN ANY WAY. Most parents do this with their children (or at least I think so) and I even find myself using food rewards on my nieces and nephew... and even my friends...

That 20lbs I lost? It found me again. Today I wear my fat jeans, and quite frankly I’M OKAY WITH IT.

why?

Because this too shall pass, and once exam stress is done I will be able to get back on track, get into a better mood, stop eating junk, and rock my skinny jeans.

planning.

Sometimes I plan for the future. Every day of my life right now is directed toward my future goals, and my future depends on my actions. I am a student, struggling through the end-of-semester shuffle of papers, projects and exams. The stress is overwhelming, and all I can do to ease off on the anxiety is count down. One more seminar, two more lectures. Hand in the proposal, then five exams. I can do this. I will do this. I want this, remember?

...

Time is ticking and the pressure is mounting, and then I realize something:

The rest of my life depends on right now.

Maybe not entirely, but everything I do these days will later be part of my past. They say that your past makes you who you are... So why can’t I get motivated? I keep procrastinating on everything. I’m so worried about the future that I can’t stop and handle the right now. I’m neglecting the now.

I’ve been a student for a long time. I’m currently in my fifth year of post-secondary. Last year I even took summer school. I’m worried that I’m burning out. I’m worried that I won’t be able to maintain this much longer. I still have two years left of the program I’m in, and then I’m planning on doing a Masters – another few years. What if I burn out completely? What if I can’t do it anymore?

What if all of this is for nothing? Sometimes plans change. What if I don’t want this anymore? I started off in one program in college and dropped out. I graduated from a completely different college program two years later. After realizing that the job market in that field in the region I wanted to stay in SUCKED, I moved on to university. If you weren’t keeping track, that’s three different programs. Plans change. So why am I stressing so much about right now?