crunch.

I’m proud to set my own goals.

Sometimes I set goals that I know I will reach. I get a sense of accomplishment when I check of that last thing on my ‘to-do’ list. I’m proud to hand in that paper on time. I feel good about myself.

Sometimes I set goals that will be tough to reach. I push hard, and the struggle is worth the pay off. I find that there is a thin line between goals that are tough to reach, and those which try to break me. I feel broken. I set a goal for myself which I knew would be tough. I tried very hard. I pushed myself. I worked myself to the bone, exhausted myself. I tried, and I tried, and I tried.

I failed.

Maybe not quite yet, there is still time, but I’m feeling the crunch more than ever and I want to give up. Life is so much easier when you set goals that you can soar right by. Life is so much easier when you have lowered expectations. Life is so much easier when you can coast by.

But that’s not my life. That’s not my style. I could never settle for that. I know that sometimes I set goals that are too distant to reach. But I will try, and I will feel that I let myself down when I don’t make it. I’d rather almost make it than to never have tried. This sense of failure is worth much more than a sense of accomplishment that I didn’t have to try for. Sure, I could be a bit more reasonable about this when I’m setting up my next goal, but I’d rather not.

Sometimes I like the pressure. Sometimes I crave ‘crunch time.’ Sometimes I put things off until the last minute because it feels better that way. Sometimes I feel let down when perfect isn’t perfect enough. And sometimes I just let go. It’s not over yet, I won’t give in. I'll push harder, try harder and strive for more. I am jumping, a leap of faith, and I am falling.