faith.

"When all the dust is settled and all the crowds are gone,
the only things that matter are faith, family and friends,"
-Barbara Bush.
I found this statement in a pocket sized book my sister gave me, and it left me wondering. I know my family, I know my friends, but what about my faith?

I was never a religious person. As a child, I was baptised in a United Christian Church. My parents took me to Sunday school every week. As soon as I was old enough to make the decision, I decided to stop going. I never looked back until now.

I have a lot of respect for other peoples' religions. I have attended many religious services, I have bowed for many prayers. I don't hate God or the idea of a spiritual or holy deity, I just don't have time in my life for that relationship right now.

I started thinking I could find God for myself. Things were going well with my family, my education at university was flourishing, I was eating well, sleeping well, and generally in a good mood. I started looking for God. I started thinking prayers to someone beyond myself. I came close to the leap of believing, and then my world ended. My world ended, and I blamed God.

Why do we turn to God in sadness? Why not in happiness?

I have struggled in my life with many battles. Some were battles against the world, and others were wars I waged upon myself. In the deepest and darkest pits of my depression, I turned to God. I asked how He could do that to me; to make me feel so horrible and worthless. I asked how He could let bad things happen to good people. I asked how He could take people from me when I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I asked, and He never answered. He never answered, and I turned away.

The farthest thing from religion is science. I turned from God to higher education. I filled my life and my mind with textbooks, formulae, research and so on. I became so academic that when school ended for summer, I took more courses just so I would have papers and tests to write. My life slowly turned around and I considered God again. Maybe if I approached Him on a good day, He'd have an answer. I compared this idea to my childhood. I only ever asked for cookies if the jar was open and I saw someone having one. Maybe I should only talk to God when He is ready and listening.

I started to respect myself. I developed confidence and lost any form of modisty I had ever known. Modesty never gained me the respect or recognition I deserved. Once I had deemed myself awesome enough to be happy, I turned back to God:
"Hey God, its me. I just thought I'd say hi and show you how well I've been doing. I want you to be proud of me like I am of myself. Talk to you later."
"Hey God, me again. I got another good mark back, aren't you proud? I tried so hard and did so well. I just thought I'd let you know."
"Hi God, its me. I'm not feeling too well today, I have a cold. Ugh. I thought I'd say hi anyways... Hi."

And then the world crumbled and I didn't understand. If God isn't there on a good day, and He isn't there on a bad day, how do so many people 'find' him?



I've heard people express their 'oneness' with God. I struggle enough finding peace within myself. Sometimes I wonder why I'm going to school. We learn so much about nothing, really. All of these studies are useless. The body of knowledge of any experimental field is useless. Experiments only prove what you found, not that it could be found again. Some studies are replicated time and time again, but the theoretical analysis is still debatable. Causality is still debatable. I wonder sometimes if I care enough about the world to want to change it. Recently all I want is a bigger, more organized closet.

I feel like I might be losing faith; but how can I lose something I never really had? I'll try again. I'll pray again. I'm calling out to You again. I am jumping, a leap of faith, and I am falling.