I hate uncertainty.
I can’t make up my mind to save my life sometimes, but at least I have clear boundaries when I play mind games with myself.
I don’t like not knowing where I stand with people.
I don’t like not knowing where people stand with me.
Is it appropriate for me to hug you when I say ‘hello?’
Do I text you ‘goodbye’ or just stop responding?
When you said you’d text later, did you mean it?
...
At least when I am uncertain about myself, I’m causing my own troubles. When I’m in limbo with other people, I feel like can’t brace myself with any form of expectation. If I have expectations, then I’m bound to be let down. Sometimes I wish I could read peoples’ minds. That way, when they say ‘let’s be friends’ or ‘I’d love to grab a coffee some time’ I’d know what they were thinking.
I have a number of great friends whom I depend on for support and encouragement and all around good times, but sometimes I want more. I want to make sure that if ever I’m in need, there will be somebody there for me. I just hate the process of making sure that those “somebodies” are worth it. I hate it when I think that they are, and they aren’t. I hate opening myself up to someone who refuses to open up to me. I hate putting my faith and trust into someone and having my plan backfire.
I guess what I dislike so much isn’t limbo, its uncertain levels of sincerity.
Sometimes I don’t know how to interact with people. Sometimes there’s a friend that wants to be more than a friend, but I don’t feel the same. Sometimes there’s a friend that is a great friend, but I want more.
Maybe I just don’t like the instability of relationships. I dislike change.
I like having new friends, but I don’t like making new friends. If I text too many times, will they think I’m desperate? If I don’t text enough will they lose interest?
I hate that I play like I have all these walls to keep people out, but they oh so easily fall down. I let people in, too many people. I trust to easily, and sometimes I feel taken advantage of. If I didn’t let them in then they wouldn’t have had that chance. I wonder what I’m doing to myself. Why do I want more? And is more actually better? I don’t want to sacrifice quality for quantity, especially when it comes to friends. I’d rather have a few close friends then a bunch of acquaintances. At least with close friends you’re never in limbo.
2 comments:
I can say that having a few close friends is way better than having a bunch because when you really think about it, some of them are not true friends, so why bother. I have a few close friends and that's it and it's better because you can really connect with them and even the silence is comfortable, their presence is more than enough. Plus, if they are really close friends, you should be able to rely on them in times of need and support.
you raise a great point, my Strange friend. I was just having one of *those* days, and this is the post that came out of it. :)
Thanks for commenting!
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